This story has been waiting to come out for years. Sure, I have told friends and close acquaintances when the timing was right. My parents know. They helped me that day. It means the world they both supported me. I was even interviewed about what happened for an article about Planned Parenthood and told the entire story to a total stranger in a coffee shop in Harvard Square (in Boston, MA) crying the whole time, but surprisingly, strong. This day was a huge turning point in me releasing my fear on how I would be perceived by others about my story. Funny enough, years later, I have become an advocate for abortion care in Texas. Five years later, I have finally found a home with Lilith Fund as a hotline volunteer and advocate for Texas Abortion Rights, and I am so fucking proud. So, for all of the women who I know have been where I have been, this is for you. Finally.
I had an abortion, 10 years ago, when I was 21 years old. To anyone who did not know this already who knows me personally, surprise! It can really happen to anyone you know. My emotions on this fact of my life are not very steady. Some days, I want to be stoic and yell from the roof top “IT WAS MY CHOICE! FUCK OFF!” to every anti-choice person out there. But where would that get us? Most days, the thought stings at my heart. But now, years later and after talking to so many people going through the same thing, I feel comforted that I can use my experience to help others through the Lilith Fund Hotline. That sting I feel use to keep me quiet about my experience. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, or worse, feel uncomfortable or angry with my story. But, where does that get us? If we can’t talk about the challenging experiences we have and use our stories for positive change, what’s the point?
Truthfully, unless you have had an abortion, it might be hard to really comprehend just how complex the emotions that go along with it can be. I can’t explain the feelings I have when other women tell their stories, especially when their stories seem ‘more valid’ than mine. I don’t feel alone. That’s a feeling, right? Overwhelmed. Happy. I use to feel so fortunate that there are women who are braver than I am and could speak out about their experience. Inspired. Rarely do I ever see a story like mine though. My story is simple. My life was not literally in danger and I was not assaulted (common reasons people will give abortion care a ‘pass’ in acceptability) but I have never felt closer to the darkest thoughts I have ever had. I got pregnant unexpectedly, when I was young and alone, and I made a choice. I didn’t hesitate. I know there are others just like me. Maybe you are one of them. If this helps to connect us. I want to hug you. Cry with you. Because I know you. I am you.
This will be long, it already is, so bear with me. I want to tell my story from the start.
I was 21 when I needed a fucking break from relationships. Thinking back on it, I knew where I was heading and I wasn’t ready. My high school boyfriend had moved to North Carolina when I was 19 and I had taken it hard. That’s as much into that as I really want to get. It was hard. After he left, I realized I had transferred colleges to be closer to him and spent almost no time making friends. Everything happens for a reason, sure. But I felt like a loser during this time and was trying to figure out what I wanted. I was studying Environmental Science and Biology and wanted to just settle into my studies and find a fresh start.
After he left, I luckily found some solace in some friends who worked in the IT department of my school. I hung out in their office most days because that’s where the computer lab was and I spent most of my free time doing homework. Again, don’t be 19 at college and only do homework. It was from these friends that I was pushed into the next phase of my life. I am so thankful for this shift. My friends introduced me to ultimate Frisbee. The amazing group who met and played together, helped me get out of my shell. Big thanks for that.
This is where I met Joe. We were young, we were assholes, and we fell in love very fast. And like I said, I wasn’t ready. Looking back it seems fucking stupid because as of the date of this post, we have been together for 5 years. But we didn’t start officially dating until after the abortion and as I started to crawl out of the dark depths of the depression my pregnancy had started. Joe was one of my biggest supports as a friend during this crazy time. (EDIT: In 2021 we are still together). Joe and I had this instant connection. I wish I could tell you more about those days for us, but this is not the time for it. I was the happiest I had ever been but still felt torn. I couldn’t let go of what I thought had been my forever love. I self sabotaged by taking trips to North Carolina to visit my ex, all the while feeling so confused about what I wanted and what I was doing because I wanted to be independent. I just found it so hard to be alone. Looking back, I feel so sad for younger me because during that time I didn’t have a clue how to love myself.
Fast forward through a couple of years after I meet Joe and I am 21. It’s a few months away from summer and I was miserable. Typically, I would be planning a trip to NC. But at this point I knew that was over and things with Joe were complicated, to say the least. So, I was looking for an escape, anywhere, to get both of them out of my head. A typical ‘I’m lost’ story. And as one does when they feel lost, I applied to work at an all girls summer camp. This would end up being the best time of my life up until that point.
Turns out, when you think you are going to work as a lifeguard at an all girls summer camp, there will always an all boys summer camp located conveniently across the lake somewhere. Wish I was joking. When I arrived to start my lifeguard training, 2 weeks before camp officially started, I met Jack. We had a true friendship. We first spoke at a late night indoor soccer game where I literally gave him my heart. This was a tiny piece of confetti, shaped like a heart, that I had found on the ground. I guess I was experimenting with being flirty or whatever, but when I saw it I walked over to him and gave it to him. Months later he would write me a letter saying that the moment I gave him my heart was the moment I had his. Seriously. This summer was the most romance I had in my life at once in a long time.
The details of that summer are too much to write here. Maybe I can write a book one day. Jack and I had a ton in common and to this day I look back so fondly on what we had. I always knew it would end once the summer was over and to be honest, I loved that. He was from England. Which matters for two reasons. His accent made me melt and I knew that eventually he would go back home and I would move on with my life. Perfect rebound material. We hiked, we laughed, we went out with friends, we sang, we snuck out at night. All in Pittsfield, MA. A random quiet town, tucked away in the far west of Massachusetts. The girls I met that summer were my sisters and I felt lucky to be there and to have made so many connections.
When the summer came to an end I was bummed. Jack and I had become closer than I had anticipated and I was actually dreading him leaving. We were able to travel to New Hampshire for a short getaway together, and when I had to go back to college, he came with me so that I could travel with him to Logan Airport to see him off. We had one more night together after he helped me move into my dorm where we drank a little to much and smoked a blunt behind my dorm. He puked. And we were sad. One of my very best friends met us at the airport because I was unsure how I would feel after he left. Emily, thank you for being there.
I cried the whole train ride home after leaving the airport. But I was also relieved. I had been a serial monogamous girl up until that moment and I was ready to get to know myself. About 2 or 3 weeks went by and Jack and I emailed and sent a few letters. He even drew me a bouquet of flowers and cut it up into a puzzle. He started his letters to me calling me sunflower eyes. It felt cool to have this flirty English friend but still be able to move forward getting to know myself. I went on a trip as a teachers aid to the Cape (or somewhere, I can’t really remember now) to help teach a freshman biology class about field work. That was a fun weekend and I wasn’t sad anymore. Jack had already become a story, a part of my life that felt empowering. During this trip, I had the realization that my period hadn’t come in what seemed like a concerning amount of time, so I mentioned this to my room mate, Leigh. She promised she’d go to CVS with me and take a pregnancy test when we got home and I tried not to worry about it the rest of the weekend. Thank goodness for Leigh.
When we got back to campus, we went to CVS and went into the secluded bathrooms in our science building, where we both worked in a lab together, to get some privacy. I was pregnant. So pregnant in fact that the wait time to see the results of the test were… seconds. Before I could event put my pants back on, I knew. And I knew right away what I was going to do. I think this is sometimes the hard part for me. I didn’t grapple with my decision at all, but it destroyed me. That’s what I wish people understood. Having the baby, with the father living across the ocean, with us never being too serious was so out of the question for me. At the time I had made less than $2,000 over the summer at camp and I was working a work study job 20 hours a week in the admission office. My parents were in the middle of a very depressing and difficult split and I was just gaining confidence. I was living in dorms still at 21 and even though I was in college, I was still feeling incredibly directionless. I knew having this baby would force me back into a life I had fought so hard to run from. What kind of life could I give my baby, all alone? What kind of life would I be giving myself?
I set up a Skype call to break the news to Jack. I was so scared and awkward and I told him my decision. To this day I don’t know how he feels about it and I wish I did. I wish I could connect with him now and ask if he struggled at all with this news. He supported my decision enough to help me pay for it and even sent me money for most of the procedure. But besides a check-in to make sure I was ok afterwards, we never talked about it again. We never talked again.
The day of the abortion, I was scared. My mom went with me and I remember one lonely protester was there, calling me (and anyone who came by) a baby killer. That made my stomach drop but I never questioned my decision. I wanted my life. I wanted to get to know me. I never gave up on myself. I went to Planned Parenthood and was well taken care of by everyone who interacted with me. You get counseling. They discuss all options you have and do not force abortion on you. They make sure no one is forcing you into this and that you are as OK as possible. They give you an ultra sound and show you the life growing inside of you. A nurse held my hand while I quietly cried.
I was fairly depressed (ok very depressed) by this time and can’t really remember how far along I was. It was early. There were no features and the embryo was only 1/4 of an inch big. That did not stop me from mourning. I know some may say “You didn’t have to do it!”. I did. I had to. It’s hard to explain but I knew in my heart it was either them or me. I am 31 now and have never once regretted my decision. In fact, I credit my abortion care with saving me from suicide.
Before the procedure I had a few moments to myself. On the ceiling there was a picture of the beach and I laughed through my tears about how stupid that seemed. Were they trying to brighten the mood of this room? I spoke out loud to the life growing in me. I told them I was sorry. I cried. I told them I would never forget them and that I would do whatever it took to make sure that one day, I helped another life find a family. I told them they were loved. I told them that I wish I would be able to provide a life for them so we could meet. I was devastated. When I think about it now I still cry. When I think about it now, I am so glad I had this moment to mourn. To say goodbye.
This will bother some of you. I am sorry for that. If you knew how lonely, poor, scared, and depressed I felt, maybe you would feel sorry for me and not about the life that never had to suffer. Who never knew what it was like to come into the world with an unprepared mother who didn’t even know who she was. I decided that my life mattered and I had a fire inside of me to make something of my life. This would not define me.
There is so much more I could say, but this is my story. I wanted to share my fairly typical story because I know there are other women out there just like me. You are not alone. Abortion should be an option because pregnancy should be a choice. We should not be defined by and forced into something so physically and mentally dangerous as pregnancy. We should not be forced to suffer alone when we were not the only ones involved in bringing a pregnancy to fruition.
I share my story because I am worthy of having a life I chose. I wanted to share my story because I was fortunate enough to have this option. I wanted to share my story because it is not just my story and some of us are too scared to share ours.
If you read this far, thank you. Please consider making a donation to Lilith Fund so we can continue to help those seeking abortions care have the choice. Without financial help, so many people get stuck without a choice and Lilith Fund provides financial and emotional support to those feeling like their choice is limited. Lilith Fund also fights for abortion rights in Texas, which as you can imagine, wants to make it even scarier to be in this position and have fewer choices than ever. Fight with us by donating to my fundraiser here: https://fund.nnaf.org/give/f3180482/#!/donation/checkout
If you are seeking abortion care, you are not alone. Sending you love as you make the choice that is right for you. I will always have your back.
queentourmaline 